Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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