I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
