Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
