Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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