in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
