One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize