someone get that fucking seahorse.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
