Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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