watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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