Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
