Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
