i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
