I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Damn victory sex feels great
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
