Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
