I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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