his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
