my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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