I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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