Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
