I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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