Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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