Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
