Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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