Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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