rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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