my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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