You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
