I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Everclear isn't food dammit
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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