I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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