ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
