Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Reggie can tackle my bush.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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