She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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