Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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