Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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