I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
