it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
