he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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