also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
