my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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