just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's never too late to be topless.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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