Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
