ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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