He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
