He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
