it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
