If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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