There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
