you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
