Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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