I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
