she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
